“I feel like I’m doing all the heavy lifting in this friendship.”
Dear Eve 6 Guy:
I have been K.’s best friend for 17 years. We’re long-distance friends: she’s in Georgia, I’m in Long Island. He’s been here to visit several times, but our friendship is mostly over email, text, and phone. We used to talk every day, but as our lives got busier and the years went by, it was a few times a week and then once a week.
Our friendship is deep. She knows things about me that no one else knows. For more than a decade, we have shared details of our lives and those of our children. We’ve been through breakups together. We have spoken to each other from our respective shelves.
We’ve had times where we grew apart but we always came back to each other, and we both apologize for not prioritizing our friendship better. Well, K. just went through a bad breakup (they were engaged and living together) and is having some health problems. I know she likes space when she’s really stressed, so I give it to her.
The last time we spoke, she told me that she was going through a difficult time and that she was sorry for not being a very good friend. I told her I would always be there for her when she was emotionally ready to talk. I didn’t say anything about my recent health problem or my fragile emotional state because I didn’t want to burden her with my problems when she clearly has her own.
Two weeks went by and I didn’t hear from her, so I sent her a quick text asking if everything was okay. She said she was fine and asked me to email her an update on my health issues and my children. So I did it. That was two and a half weeks ago. I haven’t heard from her since.
This isn’t the first time I feel like I’m doing all the heavy lifting in this friendship. I’ve been upset about this before. But this is the first time it seems like she’s actively ignoring me, and I really think our relationship has become a burden on her, just another thing on her very full to-do list to check off when she can.
I don’t want to be that. I’d rather end the friendship forever than be dumped by her every two weeks. But how do I approach her? Do I let him know how I feel and add to his feelings of guilt about us, or do I just let the friendship stagnate?
I feel too old for all this. I thought once you got older friendships were easier. I guess not. I appreciate any advice you can give me.
-I feel like they are cheating on me
