The future of AI depends on… Jensen Huang’s sex life?

I’d rather these people’s sex lives were none of my business, but I guess we need to talk about Jensen Huang and the National Security Incident. Who could have guessed that the guy here signing boobs might not have great judgment about how to behave around women?

Alice Huang, no relation to Jensen, is a former television reporter. That was before she became an “executive” at Megaspeed, which purchased $4.8 billion in hard-to-get Nvidia chips, around the time she was photographed with Jensen in a Taipei bar in 2024. “To many in the industry, Megaspeed’s well-funded push into AI seemed to come out of nowhere.” The New York Times He wrote with tact. Our girl Alice is also a so-called honey who was recruited by the Chinese Ministry of State Security. (China denies all this, by the way).

What is megaspeed? Good. The company has ties to the Chinese military and is building data centers in “Southeast Asia” (it has offices in Singapore and Indonesia) to sell computing to Alibaba. The chips it uses to do this are prohibited from being imported into China. By the way, Nvidia has been pushing very hard to get rid of import controls on its chips so it can sell them in China.

All of this is public knowledge in part because Secretary of State Marco Rubio reportedly “oversaw” a memo detailing Alice’s recruitment and her relationship with Jensen, and then someone leaked it. (Powerful note game, Marco, get credit for one you didn’t even write!) Rubio passed along his little note in May, before a trip to China by President Donald Trump. Initially, Jensen was not on the guest list for the trip, at least not until Trump saw media coverage of the perceived snub. Trump and Jensen? They are close. Which makes it even more interesting that Trump was personally briefed on the findings and did nothing, according to the Times.

You know everything is going well when your corporate spokesperson has to tell the Times that of course Your company does not disclose classified information to its clients. John Rizzo, the spokesman, also told the Times that Nvidia customers are not asking Nvidia to push for changes to the chip restriction. What a hat on a hat, John. First of all, they don’t have to: Nvidia’s financial incentives do it for them. Second, imagine this is a normal company. He business model of Megaspeed is that the chips are restricted and that Megaspeed takes over them. Megaspeed has no incentive to change this situation! Unless, you know, he’s acting against his financial interests because it’s a front for Chinese spies… in which case, that statement is going to be embarrassing.

Speaking of shame, Rizzo told the Times “that Mr. Huang’s interactions with Ms. Huang ‘were not unusual’ and consistent with the types of meetings he has with any of Nvidia’s many clients.” Oh, okay. Who else was Jensen fucking?

Because two days after that statement, Jensen sent most incredible email addressed “To my colleagues at Nvidia” in which he admitted to having been “unfaithful.” He then wrote, “To my wife and family: I love you. I know that an apology cannot undo what I have done. I hope that our family recovers and that, in time, I can regain your trust.” Are… your wife and family on Nvidia’s employee email list?

Well yes! His son is a director of product management; her daughter is a senior marketing director. He even gave his son-in-law a job!

Additionally, Nvidia has a extraordinary structure. Jensen has 60 direct reports. Let’s leave aside that there is no possible way to manage so many people well. I would like to direct your attention to something completely different: if he has problems, there is no part of the company that is not affected. Of course, the usual problems arise: he was in a position to obtain any information she might have requested! He could have left the company laptops available for infiltration! But due to the structure, he also could have given orders to his many direct reports that benefited the PCC. Clean! I hope someone who knows a lot about cybersecurity is taking a hard look at Nvidia.

Are you in trouble? Well, Nvidia is opening an investigation into Jensen, who is also its largest individual shareholder. (At least there are no dual-class shares!) Nvidia stock, as of this writing, is down almost five percent, which seems like an underreaction.

Perhaps most importantly, the Democratic Party just returned to power and Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) seems angry. Additionally, voters hate data centers that house Nvidia chips, and I notice that many ambitious politicians are thinking about the upcoming presidential election. For example, there is Rubio’s name attached to the memo. I also note that Trump’s popularity is at an all-time low. In addition to any Democrat positioning himself for a race, a Republican looking to create some daylight between himself and Trump could easily do so by going to town with Jensen, who is Trump’s friend. I don’t think Rubio is the only ambition monster to worry about.

I don’t know where Jensen’s real wife, Lori, is in all of this. They married in 1985. She left her job as a microchip designer to raise their children. I would be very surprised if there was a prenuptial agreement. I’d be a little surprised if there was a postnup. Jensen doesn’t own as much Nvidia as Jeff Bezos owns Amazon when he cheated on her and they divorced his wife, but it’s something to keep an eye on if Lori decides she’s out.

We’ve talked once or twice about Nvidia’s central role in the AI ​​ecosystem, and specifically that it’s heavily involved in funding AI neoclouds. It has investments in SpaceX, CoreWeave (where it was, at the time of the IPO, the company’s second largest client) and OpenAI, among others. Jensen has been promoting “computing as an asset class.”

One of the reasons I’m not sure when and how the AI ​​bubble will burst is that it seems to me that Nvidia can bail out any or all of these companies any time it needs to, just as it did with CoreWeave when its IPO was threatened. Neoclouds exist because Nvidia wanted to create competition for its chips, so its biggest customers (Microsoft, Amazon, Google, Oracle) couldn’t put too much pressure on prices. I’m certainly not the only person who has realized that Nvidia is effectively the central bank of AI. If Nvidia is in a particularly bad situation, it seems that, at the very least, neoclouds are screwed too. Interestingly, CoreWeave is up about 6 percent as of this writing; The stock market moves in mysterious ways.

Maybe that’s why our nation’s top opinion leaders on I’m kidding, here’s investor and charlatan Bill Ackman: “We should all support him and his family. Go ahead.” Shaun Maguire, partner at venture capital firm Sequoia: “I think Jensen is irreplaceable for AI leadership in the United States.” (Elon Musk took a brief break from complaining about Dave Chappelle’s comedy to write “I agree” in Maguire’s note.)

So Jensen cannot fall, since there is no one who can replace him, and Nvidia cannot fall, since nothing can replace her. The AI ​​industry better hope there aren’t more revelations that make one of these things inevitable, like the investigation finding evidence that Alice directly accessed Nvidia’s systems while Jensen was taking a shower or something. It could also be bad if, say, a US Commerce Department investigation into Megaspeed stopped after Nvidia intervened. Didn’t we just hear somewhere that Jensen had been influencing the Trump administration’s policy on export controls?

In any case, at the time of this note, Jensen does not plan to resign as CEO. We might as well settle for the most fun we’ll have until we find out that Musk performed IVF with a relative of Chinese President Xi Jinping.